With My Whole Heart I Cried

When you need to remember — that You're still my Shepherd.

You can pray polite prayers for years and never bring your whole self into them. The decent version of your asking gets through. The desperate version does not. Then a night comes where polite is not enough, and you find yourself crying out before dawn — eyes awake before night watches — because the only prayer that fits the situation is one with no veneer left. You do not need a more eloquent request. You need to bring your whole heart this time, because that is what you wished you had brought sooner.

This section opens with the kind of cry that does not edit itself: "I cried with my whole heart; hear me, O Lord: I will keep Your statutes. I cried to You — save me, and I shall keep Your testimonies." Whole heart. Twice. He is committing. Then the practice that costs him sleep: "I rise before the dawning of the morning and cry; I hope in Your word. My eyes are awake before the night watches, that I might meditate in Your word." Pre-dawn crying. Eyes awake before the watchmen change shifts. He is using the unguarded hours to meet God in a way nobody else can interrupt. Then the request that comes out of that pre-dawn habit: "Hear my voice according to Your lovingkindness; O Lord, revive me according to Your justice." Lovingkindness and justice asked together. He is not separating them. Then the threats named honestly: "They draw near who follow after mischief; they are far from Your law." Trouble approaches. He keeps meditating. The close is the stability that comes from the practice: "You are near, O Lord, and all Your commandments are truth. Concerning Your testimonies, I have known of old that You have founded them forever." Near, true, founded forever. That is the conclusion someone reaches who has been up before dawn long enough.

• Right now, bring the whole-heart version of one thing you have been asking politely for — say it out loud with the veneer off. • Write this down: "What polite prayer have I been bringing repeatedly that needs the whole-heart version this time?" • Repeat this line when you catch yourself editing again: "I cried with my whole heart; hear me, O Lord."

Stop. Breathe. Let the difference between polite and whole-heart settle into the part of you that has been holding back, then tell Him exactly what you have been editing — out loud if you can.

God, I cried with my whole heart; hear me, O Lord — and let me keep Your statutes once You answer. I have been bringing the polite version of this for too long, and I am tired of holding back what You can already see. Wake me before the dawning of the morning if You have to, so I can meet You where nobody else can interrupt. Hear my voice according to Your lovingkindness; revive me according to Your justice. You are near, and all Your commandments are truth — that is the only ground I want to keep waking up to. You're still my Shepherd.

The whole-heart cry is the one He has been waiting for you to bring.